200+ Funny Quotes Guaranteed to Make Your Day Better

You know how teachers tell you the magic word is 'please'? That's not true. The magic word is 'puke'. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

I sometimes give myself excellent advice. Occasionally, I even listen to it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face!

Too bad. Family members hit you by accident. Psychopathic whores tend to come back for more.

She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.

It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen.

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

A pause followed my greeting. Then We’re watching you whispered the voice on the other end.Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? Silence. Then dial tone.These younger demons. So easily discouraged.

Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.