100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings

100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings

167 Quotes

Looking for a Funny Quote? Discover the most Funniest Quotes & Sayings from famous writers, humorists, entrepreneurs, publishers that will make you laugh

Because funny quotes about life and hilarious sayings are the ones that can easily be told and shared with friends anywhere.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Rodney Dangerfield

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Dave Barry

And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face!

Rick Riordan

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.

Galileo Galilei

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

Lemony Snicket

It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen.

Philip K. Dick

You know how teachers tell you the magic word is 'please'? That's not true. The magic word is 'puke'. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.

Rick Riordan

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

Terry Pratchett

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

Ellen DeGeneres

Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.

Samuel Beckett

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

Graham Parke

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Will Rogers

She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.

Richelle Mead

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

Katie McGarry

Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

D.J. MacHale

Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!

J.K. Rowling

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

George Carlin

Too bad. Family members hit you by accident. Psychopathic whores tend to come back for more.

Richelle Mead

A pause followed my greeting. Then We’re watching you whispered the voice on the other end.Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? Silence. Then dial tone.These younger demons. So easily discouraged.

Josh Lanyon

I sometimes give myself excellent advice. Occasionally, I even listen to it.

Jim Butcher

I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options.

Neil Gaiman

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.

Honoré de Balzac

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.

Laurell K. Hamilton

One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.

Laurell K. Hamilton

How dare you open a spaceman's helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets!

Cathy East Dubowski

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Cathy Guisewite

Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.

Laurell K. Hamilton

Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.

Laurell K. Hamilton

[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!

William Shakespeare

IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, HARRY!

J.K. Rowling

How art thou out of breath when thou hast breathTo say to me that thou art out of breath?

William Shakespeare

A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.

Harry Styles

[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.

William Shakespeare

I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake.

Charlaine Harris

Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.

Charlaine Harris

Maxon: To be clear, no one agrees with you.America: To be clear, I don’t care.

Kiera Cass

Hey, Mr. Nakata. Gramps. Fire! Flood! Earthquake! Revolution! Godzilla's on the loose! Get up!

Haruki Murakami

When I was growing up we didn't have a massive house and there were five women running around, so my dad and I had to stick together!

Louis Tomlinson

That’s us, he said. Those five nuts right there.Which one is me? I asked.The little deformed one, Zoe suggested.Oh, shut up.

Rick Riordan

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