100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

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You know how teachers tell you the magic word is 'please'? That's not true. The magic word is 'puke'. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.

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I sometimes give myself excellent advice. Occasionally, I even listen to it.

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

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Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

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And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face!

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The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.

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It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen.

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A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

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If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

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Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

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Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.

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Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

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Never miss a good chance to shut up.

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She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.

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Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

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I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

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Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

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Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!

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I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

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Too bad. Family members hit you by accident. Psychopathic whores tend to come back for more.

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A pause followed my greeting. Then We’re watching you whispered the voice on the other end.Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? Silence. Then dial tone.These younger demons. So easily discouraged.

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I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options.

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Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.

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Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.

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One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.

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How dare you open a spaceman's helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets!

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When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

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Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.

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Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.

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[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!

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IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, HARRY!

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How art thou out of breath when thou hast breathTo say to me that thou art out of breath?

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A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.

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[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.

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I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake.

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Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.

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Maxon: To be clear, no one agrees with you.America: To be clear, I don’t care.

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Hey, Mr. Nakata. Gramps. Fire! Flood! Earthquake! Revolution! Godzilla's on the loose! Get up!

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When I was growing up we didn't have a massive house and there were five women running around, so my dad and I had to stick together!

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