100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings

100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings


Looking for a Funny Quote? Discover the most Funniest Quotes & Sayings from famous writers, humorists, entrepreneurs, publishers that will make you laugh

I love to laugh, and I try to laugh every day. When you laugh, your brain cells make more neurotransmitters, which are responsible for helping you feel good. I especially like funny quotes. Here are some of my favorites!

I sometimes give myself excellent advice. Occasionally, I even listen to it.

Jim Butcher

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

Lemony Snicket

You know how teachers tell you the magic word is 'please'? That's not true. The magic word is 'puke'. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.

Rick Riordan

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.


Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

D.J. MacHale

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Dave Barry

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

Graham Parke

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

Ellen DeGeneres

A pause followed my greeting. Then We’re watching you whispered the voice on the other end.Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? Silence. Then dial tone.These younger demons. So easily discouraged.

Josh Lanyon

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

Katie McGarry

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.

Galileo Galilei

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

George Carlin

Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.

Samuel Beckett

Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!

J.K. Rowling

It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen.

Philip K. Dick

She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.

Richelle Mead

Too bad. Family members hit you by accident. Psychopathic whores tend to come back for more.

Richelle Mead

And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face!

Rick Riordan

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Rodney Dangerfield

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

Terry Pratchett

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Will Rogers

I tell you, I'm half tempted to break into CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon out of CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon.

Ally Carter

However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are."

Amy Poehler

There is nothing more awful, insulting, and depressing than banality.

Anton Chekhov

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.


I love how you still think if you tell me to do something, I'll just check my brain at the door and do it.

C.J. Redwine

How dare you open a spaceman's helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets!

Cathy East Dubowski

The funniest people are the saddest ones


Dude. Hot Bozo. Best nickname ever.

Cynthia Hand

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.

Bertrand Russell

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

Bill Cosby

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Bill Maher

She already had a headache-she didn't want to add 'get tortured' to today's to-do list.

C.C. Hunter

She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her, just to see her stumble.

Cassandra Rose Clarke

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Cathy Guisewite

I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.

Derek Landy

It’s fairly standard. Also, I’m fourteen. Also, yourbeard’s stupid.Isn’t this fun? Skulduggery said brightly. The three of usgetting along so well.

Derek Landy

I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake.

Charlaine Harris

Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.

Charlaine Harris

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