200+ Funny Quotes Guaranteed to Make Your Day Better

The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

When I was growing up we didn't have a massive house and there were five women running around, so my dad and I had to stick together!

Dogs have their day but cats have 365.

the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.

I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner.

Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.

Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.

One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.

Be a Samurai.Because you just never know what's behind the freaking sky.

I have no doubt that you are more than capable of bringing the Monsean queen and my son and the rest of my sons and a hundred Nanderan kittens through an onslaught of howling raiders if you chose to.

Gods, I love it when you talk mathy to me.

I guess I can't blame him for feeling bitter. Going from being the terror of Bulgarian nights to a janitor would kinda suck

What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?

Being dead wasn't supposed to hurt. Where was the fairness in that? If I was dead, the least the universe could do was make it painless

Maxon: To be clear, no one agrees with you.America: To be clear, I don’t care.

I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.