100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings

100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings


Looking for a Funny Quote? Discover the most Funniest Quotes & Sayings from famous writers, humorists, entrepreneurs, publishers that will make you laugh

I love to laugh, and I try to laugh every day. When you laugh, your brain cells make more neurotransmitters, which are responsible for helping you feel good. I especially like funny quotes. Here are some of my favorites!

My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel.

Michelle Hodkin

I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options.

Neil Gaiman

Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.

Orson Scott Card

And she says, Then let’s just take the effing road and get ourselves to Haven.I smile, a little. You said effing, I say. You actually said the word effing.

Patrick Ness

It's not called being gay, it's called being fabulous!


Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.

Peyton Manning

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

Me neither, Shane put in. Homie don’t play that.I wonder, sometimes, if your generation speaks English at all, Amelie said.

Rachel Caine

Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed.

Rachel Caine

It just seems like overkill when you already have a dagger and I have superpowerful magic at my disposal.‘Superpowerful?’He stood up, a gold chain dangling from his fingers. Let me remind you of two words, Mercer: Bad. Dog.

Rachel Hawkins

Apparently the complete works of Shakespeare packed quite a wallop. To think, my mother said I'd never find use for an English degree. Ha! I'd like to see her knock someone silly with an apron and a cookie press.

Rachel Vincent

Screw this. He’d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal—my favorite way to play.

Rachel Vincent

What do you think Dimitri? Is this a good idea, Dimitri? Please give us your blessing so that we can fall down and worship you, Dimitri.

Richelle Mead

Adrian, I'm on a date. Why are you here? On my car?

Richelle Mead

Wow. What'd he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn't set the building on fire in the first place.

Richelle Mead

I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon.

Richelle Mead

This isn't a Christmas special! This is my life. In the real world, miracles and goodness just don't happen.

Richelle Mead

That’s us, he said. Those five nuts right there.Which one is me? I asked.The little deformed one, Zoe suggested.Oh, shut up.

Rick Riordan

Mussolini? Leo frowned. Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?

Rick Riordan

We’ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I’m tragically funny and good-looking.

Rick Riordan

Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.

Rick Riordan

Yeah, well. I don’t try to be awesome. It just comes natural.

Rick Riordan

The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.

Rick Riordan

Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!

Rick Riordan

When I was alive, I mean the first time, Mussolini was in charge. We were at war.Mussolini? Leo frowned. Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?

Rick Riordan

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.

Robert Conquest

Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

Robert Louis Stevenson

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Rodney Dangerfield

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

Samuel Johnson

If we're mad, we're mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.

Shannon Hale

La cucaracha, La cucaracha, Ya no puede caminar, porque no tiene, porque le falta, I don't know the rest, la la la la!

Simone Elkeles

On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.

Stephen Chbosky

Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.

Stephenie Meyer

Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.The Doctor: Believe me... It was an accident.

Steven Moffat

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Steven Wright

I guess we're oil and water. (Phoebe)I'd say we're more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

This is America. We’re entitled to our opinions.Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts.

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

Suzanne Collins

He stared at her neck. Realization pulsed. He was looking at the bite he had given her. A hard length was growing against her hip. So, is that your long, scaly, reptilian tail, or are you just happy to see me? No, she did not just say that. Did she?

Thea Harrison

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