100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings

100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings

167 Quotes

Looking for a Funny Quote? Discover the most Funniest Quotes & Sayings from famous writers, humorists, entrepreneurs, publishers that will make you laugh

I love to laugh, and I try to laugh every day. When you laugh, your brain cells make more neurotransmitters, which are responsible for helping you feel good. I especially like funny quotes. Here are some of my favorites!

And she says, Then let’s just take the effing road and get ourselves to Haven.I smile, a little. You said effing, I say. You actually said the word effing.

Patrick Ness

However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are."

Amy Poehler

There is nothing more awful, insulting, and depressing than banality.

Anton Chekhov

Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed.

Rachel Caine

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.

E.A. Bucchianeri

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Groucho Marx

His eyebrows pulled in. You won’t leave me, right? Even when I’m a pain in the ass?I vowed in front of God – and Elvis – that I wouldn’t, didn’t I?

Jamie McGuire

Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me?

J.K. Rowling

Be a Samurai.Because you just never know what's behind the freaking sky.

Laini Taylor

He stared at her neck. Realization pulsed. He was looking at the bite he had given her. A hard length was growing against her hip. So, is that your long, scaly, reptilian tail, or are you just happy to see me? No, she did not just say that. Did she?

Thea Harrison

But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.

J.K. Rowling

What do you think Dimitri? Is this a good idea, Dimitri? Please give us your blessing so that we can fall down and worship you, Dimitri.

Richelle Mead

Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed!

Hergé

You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality!

John Green

Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.

Stephenie Meyer

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

Bill Cosby

Adrian, I'm on a date. Why are you here? On my car?

Richelle Mead

Dude. Hot Bozo. Best nickname ever.

Cynthia Hand

She already had a headache-she didn't want to add 'get tortured' to today's to-do list.

C.C. Hunter

It just seems like overkill when you already have a dagger and I have superpowerful magic at my disposal.‘Superpowerful?’He stood up, a gold chain dangling from his fingers. Let me remind you of two words, Mercer: Bad. Dog.

Rachel Hawkins

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

John Green

La cucaracha, La cucaracha, Ya no puede caminar, porque no tiene, porque le falta, I don't know the rest, la la la la!

Simone Elkeles

Wow. What'd he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn't set the building on fire in the first place.

Richelle Mead

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

Suzanne Collins

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Bill Maher

Apparently the complete works of Shakespeare packed quite a wallop. To think, my mother said I'd never find use for an English degree. Ha! I'd like to see her knock someone silly with an apron and a cookie press.

Rachel Vincent

I love how you still think if you tell me to do something, I'll just check my brain at the door and do it.

C.J. Redwine

I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon.

Richelle Mead

Screw this. He’d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal—my favorite way to play.

Rachel Vincent

Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

Robert Louis Stevenson

I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.

Derek Landy

This isn't a Christmas special! This is my life. In the real world, miracles and goodness just don't happen.

Richelle Mead

Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.

Eoin Colfer

The shortest horror story:The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

Frederic Brown

Dogs have their day but cats have 365.

Lilian Jackson Braun

It’s fairly standard. Also, I’m fourteen. Also, yourbeard’s stupid.Isn’t this fun? Skulduggery said brightly. The three of usgetting along so well.

Derek Landy

I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?

Eoin Colfer

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

J.K. Rowling

Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.

Eoin Colfer

My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel.

Michelle Hodkin

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