100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings

My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel.

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I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options.

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Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.

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And she says, Then let’s just take the effing road and get ourselves to Haven.I smile, a little. You said effing, I say. You actually said the word effing.

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It's not called being gay, it's called being fabulous!

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Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

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Me neither, Shane put in. Homie don’t play that.I wonder, sometimes, if your generation speaks English at all, Amelie said.

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Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed.

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It just seems like overkill when you already have a dagger and I have superpowerful magic at my disposal.‘Superpowerful?’He stood up, a gold chain dangling from his fingers. Let me remind you of two words, Mercer: Bad. Dog.

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Apparently the complete works of Shakespeare packed quite a wallop. To think, my mother said I'd never find use for an English degree. Ha! I'd like to see her knock someone silly with an apron and a cookie press.

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Screw this. He’d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal—my favorite way to play.

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What do you think Dimitri? Is this a good idea, Dimitri? Please give us your blessing so that we can fall down and worship you, Dimitri.

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Adrian, I'm on a date. Why are you here? On my car?

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Wow. What'd he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn't set the building on fire in the first place.

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I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon.

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This isn't a Christmas special! This is my life. In the real world, miracles and goodness just don't happen.

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That’s us, he said. Those five nuts right there.Which one is me? I asked.The little deformed one, Zoe suggested.Oh, shut up.

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Mussolini? Leo frowned. Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?

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We’ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I’m tragically funny and good-looking.

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Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.

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Yeah, well. I don’t try to be awesome. It just comes natural.

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The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.

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Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!

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When I was alive, I mean the first time, Mussolini was in charge. We were at war.Mussolini? Leo frowned. Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?

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The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.

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Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

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My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

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If we're mad, we're mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.

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La cucaracha, La cucaracha, Ya no puede caminar, porque no tiene, porque le falta, I don't know the rest, la la la la!

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On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.

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Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.

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Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.The Doctor: Believe me... It was an accident.

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If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

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I guess we're oil and water. (Phoebe)I'd say we're more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)

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This is America. We’re entitled to our opinions.Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts.

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Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

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He stared at her neck. Realization pulsed. He was looking at the bite he had given her. A hard length was growing against her hip. So, is that your long, scaly, reptilian tail, or are you just happy to see me? No, she did not just say that. Did she?

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