100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

100+ Humor & Funny Quotes


We all know that laughter is the best medicine. We'll also admit that we need an occasional break from life's daily stressors, to clear our minds and rejuvenate in order to face another day. Humor and laughter help you do all of these things. Somehow, it just feels good to laugh…

Laughter has been shown to boost energy, promote relaxation, relieve pain, strengthen the immune

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

Albert Einstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Robert A. Heinlein

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

Francis Bacon

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

George Lucas

I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.-Ella Varner

Lisa Kleypas

I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life.

Melissa de la Cruz

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar Levant

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A. Whitney Brown

Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.

Alex Gaskarth

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

Amy Sedaris

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Dave Barry

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Dave Barry

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

Dave Barry

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Dave Barry

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

Dave Barry

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!

Bill Watterson

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

Bill Watterson

Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.

Dick Francis

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

Garrison Keillor

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Ellen DeGeneres

Money isn't everything...but it ranks right up there with oxygen.

Rita Davenport

Everything not forbidden is compulsory

T.H. White

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

J.K. Rowling

The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.

John Green

I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them.

John Green

Could we wear spandex and blow things up?

Lisa Mantchev

Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,’ he said. ‘Er. The dead.’ He stopped. Then, ‘... Cats?’ he offered, uncertainly.

Neil Gaiman

I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows- slow, dumb, and bright red.

Rick Riordan

hermes has threatened me with slow mail. lousy Internet service and a horrible stock market if i publish this story. I hope he is just bluffing.

Rick Riordan

You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.

Rick Riordan

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

Rita Mae Brown

When God made man she was practicing.

Rita Mae Brown

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

Rita Mae Brown

Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you've had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.

Sophie Kinsella

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

Terry Pratchett

You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.IT'S EDUCATIONAL.'What if she cuts herself?'THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

Terry Pratchett

Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is.

A.A. Milne

Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain." "I know," said Pooh humbly.

A.A. Milne

Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.

A.A. Milne

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

A.A. Milne

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