100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

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The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

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I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.-Ella Varner

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I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life.

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There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.

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Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

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I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

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The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

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I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

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It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

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I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!

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Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

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Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.

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Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

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I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

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Money isn't everything...but it ranks right up there with oxygen.

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Everything not forbidden is compulsory

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He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

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The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.

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I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them.

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Could we wear spandex and blow things up?

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Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,’ he said. ‘Er. The dead.’ He stopped. Then, ‘... Cats?’ he offered, uncertainly.

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I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows- slow, dumb, and bright red.

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hermes has threatened me with slow mail. lousy Internet service and a horrible stock market if i publish this story. I hope he is just bluffing.

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You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.

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Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

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When God made man she was practicing.

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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

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Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you've had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.

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We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

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You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.IT'S EDUCATIONAL.'What if she cuts herself?'THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

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Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is.

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Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain." "I know," said Pooh humbly.

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Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.

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A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

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