100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life.

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An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

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I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.-Ella Varner

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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows- slow, dumb, and bright red.

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He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

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The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.

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hermes has threatened me with slow mail. lousy Internet service and a horrible stock market if i publish this story. I hope he is just bluffing.

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Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.

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I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!

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You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.

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Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

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Could we wear spandex and blow things up?

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There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

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The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

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I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them.

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Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.

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Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you've had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.

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Everything not forbidden is compulsory

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Money isn't everything...but it ranks right up there with oxygen.

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Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

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When God made man she was practicing.

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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

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Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

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My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

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A great nose may be an indexOf a great soul

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It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

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You rush a miracle worker, you get lousy miracles!

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I'd been willing to kill for the people I loved for a very long time; now I had to start living for them.

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That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

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A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two… succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course.

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Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.

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Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is.

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My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

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Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain." "I know," said Pooh humbly.

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Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

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That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger, said Snape coolly. Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.

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Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect.

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Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.

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Death didn't bother me much. Strong Christian and all that. Method of death did. Being eaten alive. One of my top three ways not to go out.

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