100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

1,305 Quotes

Enjoy a good laugh by our collection of Funny & Humor Quotes by famous authors such as J.K. Rowling, Rick Riordan, Terry Pratchett, Mark Twain,

I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life.

Melissa de la Cruz

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

Albert Einstein

Money isn't everything...but it ranks right up there with oxygen.

Rita Davenport

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

Rita Mae Brown

When God made man she was practicing.

Rita Mae Brown

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

Rita Mae Brown

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

Francis Bacon

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

Ashleigh Brilliant

A great nose may be an indexOf a great soul

Edmond Rostand

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Friedrich Nietzsche

You rush a miracle worker, you get lousy miracles!

Jim Butcher

I'd been willing to kill for the people I loved for a very long time; now I had to start living for them.

Laurell K. Hamilton

I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.-Ella Varner

Lisa Kleypas

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A. Whitney Brown

That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

Bill Watterson

A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two… succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course.

Jim Butcher

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.

Orson Welles

I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows- slow, dumb, and bright red.

Rick Riordan

Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is.

A.A. Milne

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

J.K. Rowling

The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.

John Green

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Orson Welles

Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain." "I know," said Pooh humbly.

A.A. Milne

Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

Bill Watterson

That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger, said Snape coolly. Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.

J.K. Rowling

Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect.

Jim Butcher

hermes has threatened me with slow mail. lousy Internet service and a horrible stock market if i publish this story. I hope he is just bluffing.

Rick Riordan

Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.

A.A. Milne

Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.

Alex Gaskarth

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!

Bill Watterson

Death didn't bother me much. Strong Christian and all that. Method of death did. Being eaten alive. One of my top three ways not to go out.

Laurell K. Hamilton

You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.

Rick Riordan

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

A.A. Milne

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

Bill Watterson

I let out a battle cry. Sure, a lot of people might have mistaken it for a sudden yelp of unmanly fear, but trust me. It was a battle cry.

Jim Butcher

Could we wear spandex and blow things up?

Lisa Mantchev

Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.

Mike Royko

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar Levant

Adventures are never fun while you're having them.

C.S. Lewis

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

George Lucas

Page 1 from 33