100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.-Ella Varner

• 3 Like
• Humor

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

• 3 Like
• Humor

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

• 3 Like
• Humor

I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life.

• 3 Like
• Humor

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

• 3 Like
• Humor

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

• 3 Like
• Humor

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

• 3 Like
• Humor

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

• 2 Like
• Humor

I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows- slow, dumb, and bright red.

• 2 Like
• Humor

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

• 2 Like
• Humor

The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.

• 2 Like
• Humor

hermes has threatened me with slow mail. lousy Internet service and a horrible stock market if i publish this story. I hope he is just bluffing.

• 2 Like
• Humor

Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.

• 2 Like
• Humor

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!

• 2 Like
• Humor

You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.

• 2 Like
• Humor

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

• 2 Like
• Humor

Could we wear spandex and blow things up?

• 2 Like
• Humor

I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them.

• 2 Like
• Humor

Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.

• 2 Like
• Humor

Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you've had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.

• 2 Like
• Humor

Everything not forbidden is compulsory

• 2 Like
• Humor

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

• 2 Like
• Humor

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

• 2 Like
• Humor

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

• 2 Like
• Humor

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

• 2 Like
• Humor

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

• 2 Like
• Humor

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

• 2 Like
• Humor

Money isn't everything...but it ranks right up there with oxygen.

• 2 Like
• Humor

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

• 2 Like
• Humor

When God made man she was practicing.

• 2 Like
• Humor

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

• 2 Like
• Humor

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

• 2 Like
• Humor

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

• 2 Like
• Humor

You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.IT'S EDUCATIONAL.'What if she cuts herself?'THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

• 2 Like
• Humor

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

• 2 Like
• Humor

Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,’ he said. ‘Er. The dead.’ He stopped. Then, ‘... Cats?’ he offered, uncertainly.

• 2 Like
• Humor

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

• 1 Like
• Humor

A great nose may be an indexOf a great soul

• 1 Like
• Humor

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

• 1 Like
• Humor

You rush a miracle worker, you get lousy miracles!

• 1 Like
• Humor