100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

1,305 Quotes

We all know that laughter is the best medicine. We'll also admit that we need an occasional break from life's daily stressors, to clear our minds and rejuvenate in order to face another day. Humor and laughter help you do all of these things. Somehow, it just feels good to laugh…

Laughter has been shown to boost energy, promote relaxation, relieve pain, strengthen the immune

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln

No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

Abraham Lincoln

If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.

Albert Camus

I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desperate, you know.

Albert Camus

But Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two.

A.A. Milne

Oh, Eeyore, you are wet! said Piglet, feeling him. Eeyore shook himself, and asked somebody to explain to Piglet what happened when you had been inside a river for quite a long time.

A.A. Milne

No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake, and they don't Think.

A.A. Milne

My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it'll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It's like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.

A.J. Jacobs

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

Aesop

You wanna go build some shelves with me?

Alexandra Bracken

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I'll never be sane.

Allen Ginsberg

"Poirot," I said. I have been thinking.An admirable exercise my friend. Continue it.

Agatha Christie

No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought?--Poirot

Agatha Christie

I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.

Alan Bradley

Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.

Alan Bradley

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Ambrose Bierce

Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Ambrose Bierce

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Ambrose Bierce

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Albert Einstein

Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots

Albert Einstein

I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking

Albert Einstein

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Ambrose Bierce

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Ambrose Bierce

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

Ambrose Bierce

Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.

Albert Einstein

Never memorize something that you can look up.

Albert Einstein

I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

Aleister Crowley

May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!

Aleister Crowley

Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

Ambrose Bierce

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.

Andy Warhol

People who entered the Courtyard without an invitation were just plain crazy! Wolves were big and scary and so fluffy, how could anyone resist hugging one just to feel all that fur?Ignore the fluffy, she muttered. Remember the part about big and scary.

Anne Bishop

Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?Bethany: I wouldn't say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.

Alexandra Adornetto

Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.

Alexandra Potter

How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it

Alexandre Dumas

Puns are the highest form of literature.

Alfred Hitchcock

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Alfred Hitchcock

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity.

Anne Frank

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