100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

I'd been willing to kill for the people I loved for a very long time; now I had to start living for them.

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That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

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A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two… succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course.

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Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.

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Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is.

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My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

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Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain." "I know," said Pooh humbly.

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Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

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That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger, said Snape coolly. Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.

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Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect.

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Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.

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Death didn't bother me much. Strong Christian and all that. Method of death did. Being eaten alive. One of my top three ways not to go out.

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A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

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I let out a battle cry. Sure, a lot of people might have mistaken it for a sudden yelp of unmanly fear, but trust me. It was a battle cry.

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Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.

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Adventures are never fun while you're having them.

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By all means continue destroying my possessions. I daresay I have too many.

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You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

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George Bush isn't Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.

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Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?

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It came charging toward me, several hundred pounds of angry-looking monster, and I did the only thing any reasonable wizard could have done.I turned around and ran like hell.

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Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.

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From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.

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I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven.

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I think you learn more if you're laughing at the same time.

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It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.

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I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

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If I behave as though this is a completely normal situation, then maybe it will be ...

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Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books.

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People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn't explain how. She didn't really want to know.

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But Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two.

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We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville.

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I have nothing to declare except my genius.

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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

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Whereas story is processed in the mind in a straightforward manner, poetry bypasses rational thought and goes straight to the limbic system and lights it up like a brushfire. It's the crack cocaine of the literary world.

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I'm amazing and studly, but I have limits.

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The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.

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But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!

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Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

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Don't call me a dinosaur. It isn't fair to the dinosaurs. What did a dinosaur ever do to you?

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