100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

Oh, Eeyore, you are wet! said Piglet, feeling him. Eeyore shook himself, and asked somebody to explain to Piglet what happened when you had been inside a river for quite a long time.

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No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake, and they don't Think.

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My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it'll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It's like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.

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We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

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You wanna go build some shelves with me?

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If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.

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I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I'll never be sane.

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"Poirot," I said. I have been thinking.An admirable exercise my friend. Continue it.

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No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought?--Poirot

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I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.

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Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.

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When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

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Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

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Black holes are where God divided by zero.

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Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots

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I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking

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The covers of this book are too far apart.

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Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

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Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

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Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.

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Never memorize something that you can look up.

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I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

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May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!

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Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

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An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.

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People who entered the Courtyard without an invitation were just plain crazy! Wolves were big and scary and so fluffy, how could anyone resist hugging one just to feel all that fur?Ignore the fluffy, she muttered. Remember the part about big and scary.

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Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?Bethany: I wouldn't say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.

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Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.

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How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it

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Puns are the highest form of literature.

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The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

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There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity.

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Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today? Is that including, or not including you?

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I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

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Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs.

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I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler.

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Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)

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