150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.

Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded

Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.