100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

Basically, all women are nurturers and healers, and all men are mental patients to varying degrees.

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The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.

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An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.

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I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter.

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You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.Yeah, said Harry, but you, unlike me, are a git.

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Don't ever call me mad, Mycroft. I'm not mad. I'm just ... well, differently moraled, that's all.

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I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

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She wondered if it was her stupid mother, the goddess of love, messing with her thoughts. If Piper started getting urges to read fashion magazines, she was going to have to find Aphrodite and smack her.

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If I was on the road to Hell, at least I was going in style.

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Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?Bethany: I wouldn't say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.

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Now Darkstripe,' Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, 'is neither young, nor pretty.

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Almost everything strange washes up near Miami.

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Oh, Eeyore, you are wet! said Piglet, feeling him. Eeyore shook himself, and asked somebody to explain to Piglet what happened when you had been inside a river for quite a long time.

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I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter.

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It's difficult to see the glass ceiling because it's made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it properly.

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Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.

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Mr. McGregor's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Quite the Darth Vader of children's literature.

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Put some clothes on, you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-don't-even-blink wench.

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The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you're fussing that he's tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.

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Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be in command if I were the only remaining person.What do you know? I’m in command

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I still love him so much I'll hide any amount of conjugated estrogen in his food. So much I'll do anything to destroy him.

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If it weren't for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gough, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.

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Are you always a smartass?'Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.

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You've got to get obsessed and stay obsessed.

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Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them.

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You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you "chicken man"?

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No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake, and they don't Think.

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There must be something wrong with those people who think Audrey Hepburn doesn’t perspire, hiccup or sneeze, because they know that’s not true. I n fact, I hiccup more than most.

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I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!

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In the world according to Garp, we are all terminal cases

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The world is a stage and the play is badly cast.

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Would you like a cough drop Dolores?

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Dead. Never been that before. Not even once.

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Humor was a good way to hide the pain.

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If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I'll have to risk it.

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Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?

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I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

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Harry, we saw Uranus up close! said Ron, still giggling feebly. Get it, Harry? We saw Uranus — ha ha ha —

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Her majesty is one verb short of a sentence.

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