100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today? Is that including, or not including you?

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I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

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Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs.

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I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler.

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Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)

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Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in Virginia? Must research further.)

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You don't need a search warrant to go through someone's trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up.

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The love of books is among the choicest gifts of the gods.

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There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them.

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The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

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She'd absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn't own and feel no remorse about it.

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Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

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Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.

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Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

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Well, spit on my empty grave--if it ain't the attack of the Disney princesses!

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My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

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You can't make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?

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She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.

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It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.

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Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be in command if I were the only remaining person.What do you know? I’m in command

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If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I'll have to risk it.

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As with most of life's problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.

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Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?— Riley Poole

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Adventures are never fun while you're having them.

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A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

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There's no room for demons when you're self-possessed.

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I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up.

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Basically, everyone thinks--knows--how sweet I am.Emma, you threw my sister through hurricane-proof glass.

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I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

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It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.

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There must be something wrong with those people who think Audrey Hepburn doesn’t perspire, hiccup or sneeze, because they know that’s not true. I n fact, I hiccup more than most.

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Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people.

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Don't bite off more than you can chew because nobody looks attractive spitting it back out.

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Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.

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Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

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There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

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I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory.

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Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.

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