100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

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Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

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"Tacos." Tacos? I echoed.This seemed to amuse him. "Tomatoes, lettuce, cheese." I know what a taco is!

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Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.

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You don't happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow? I don't have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.

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What does ‘hmm’ have to do with anything? Could you ever use more than five words? All this grunting and minced words make you come across—primal.His smile tipped higher. Primal.You’re impossible.Me Jev, you Nora.

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Don't blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there's this new club called civilization and you guys should join.

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This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.

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Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

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My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

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You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

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I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

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In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

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Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

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There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

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If she can't spell, why is she a librarian? Librarians should know how to spell.

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Before I begin, may I ask how old you are? You may ask. How old are you? It's none of your business

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If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus.

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Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.

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Tarzan-like men are my weakness, apparently.

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As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?

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No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

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And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

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I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

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People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

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We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

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A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.

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When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

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Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

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When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.

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I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

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The world isn't fair, Calvin. I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

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Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.

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Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!

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Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.

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There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about.

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You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.

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I'm the terrorist, do what I say or I'll terrorize you.

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There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)

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When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

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