100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

1,305 Quotes

We all know that laughter is the best medicine. We'll also admit that we need an occasional break from life's daily stressors, to clear our minds and rejuvenate in order to face another day. Humor and laughter help you do all of these things. Somehow, it just feels good to laugh…

Laughter has been shown to boost energy, promote relaxation, relieve pain, strengthen the immune

A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.

Banksy

Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don't come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they're having a piss.

Banksy

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

Bauvard

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Charles J. Sykes

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Charles Lamb

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

Chelsea Handler

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Chelsea Handler

"Tacos." Tacos? I echoed.This seemed to amuse him. "Tomatoes, lettuce, cheese." I know what a taco is!

Becca Fitzpatrick

Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.

Becca Fitzpatrick

You don't happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow? I don't have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.

Becca Fitzpatrick

What does ‘hmm’ have to do with anything? Could you ever use more than five words? All this grunting and minced words make you come across—primal.His smile tipped higher. Primal.You’re impossible.Me Jev, you Nora.

Becca Fitzpatrick

Don't blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there's this new club called civilization and you guys should join.

Becca Fitzpatrick

This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.

Ben Elton

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Chelsea Handler

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Chelsea Handler

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Benjamin Franklin

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Benjamin Franklin

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Benjamin Franklin Wade

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

Bertrand Russell

If she can't spell, why is she a librarian? Librarians should know how to spell.

Beverly Cleary

Before I begin, may I ask how old you are? You may ask. How old are you? It's none of your business

Christopher Pike

If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus.

Chuck Klosterman

Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.

Chuck Klosterman

Tarzan-like men are my weakness, apparently.

Colleen Houck

As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?

Bill Bryson

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

Bill Cosby

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

Bill Cosby

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

Bill Hicks

People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

Bill Hicks

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

Bill Hicks

A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.

Conan O'Brien

When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Cory Doctorow

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

Criss Jami

When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.

Criss Jami

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Bill Watterson

The world isn't fair, Calvin. I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

Bill Watterson

Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.

Bill Watterson

Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!

Bill Watterson

Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.

Bill Watterson

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