100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

In this dirty minded world, you are either someone's wife or someone's whore. And if you're not either people think there is something wrong with you....but there is nothing wrong with me

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I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

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My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it'll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It's like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.

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As with most of life's problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.

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The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

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When your mother asks, " Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

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A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

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Don't feel bad, I'm usually about to die.

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Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me...only he's an imbecile.

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Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

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You wanna go build some shelves with me?

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Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.

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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

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Where is Wood? said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there.Still in the showers, said Fred. We think he's trying to drown himself.

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There's a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.

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There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

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Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.

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Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.

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When humor goes, there goes civilization.

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Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?

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What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.

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I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.

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Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

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The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.

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You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

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Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read.

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Real life is sometimes boring, rarely conclusive and boy, does the dialogue need work.

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Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.

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A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

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A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

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The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad, For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.

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I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed - or worse, expelled. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed.

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When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called rent-a-spine

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Housework can kill you if done right.

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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

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Cause I'm Irish, and everyone remembers me.

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This is Annabeth, Jason said. Uh, normally she doesn't judo-flip people.

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How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it

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The road to creativity passes so close to the madhouse and often detours or ends there.

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Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.

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