100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

Humor can get in under the door while seriousness is still fumbling at the handle.

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I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

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It was beautiful in a harsh I'm-going-to-gut-you-like-a-fish kind of way.

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No one in the world gets what they want and that is beautiful.

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I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny.

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Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.

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Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?— Riley Poole

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Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people.

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You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful.

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But there is in everything a reasonable division of labour. I have written the book, and nothing on earth would induce me to read it.

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This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.

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Mirrors should think longer before they reflect.

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Popularity's a weird thing. You can't really define it, and it's not cool to talk about, but you know it when you see it. Like a lazy eye, or porn.

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Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.

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It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

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I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory.

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The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.

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Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.

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It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal.

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It is perfectly monstrous,' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true.

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Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies

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Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

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If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

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Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?

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Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts

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I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

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The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

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As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.

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It's the idea that people living close to nature tend to be noble. It's seeing all those sunsets that does it. You can't watch a sunset and then go off and set fire to your neighbor's tepee. Living close to nature is wonderful for your mental health.

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Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

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Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.

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The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.

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She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts.

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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

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Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

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Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

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God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any one. But God knows I had and I lay on the bed in the room of the hospital in Milan and all sorts of things went through my head but I felt wonderful...

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If you fail to report within the next 12 hours. you will be terminated. If you attack any humans, you will be terminated. If you attempt to remove the tracking device, you will be terminated. We look forward to working with you.

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I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.

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