100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.

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As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.

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The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse

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I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

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I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.

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I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

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The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

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I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

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It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

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If you can't win by reason, go for volume.

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Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.

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We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.

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I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

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I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

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Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.

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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

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Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

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Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

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I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.

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Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.

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You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

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That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

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Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

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The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.

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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

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The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir.

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Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic.

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Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?

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From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.

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I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter.

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Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant...The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.

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We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant

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I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.

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I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter.

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A crossbow? Pigeon asked.I left my battle-ax in my other jeans, the man said.

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Excruciating agony makes me cranky.

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When jumping is the sole option, you jump, and try to make it work.

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People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN'T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.

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I swear, my dear. Sometimes our conversations remind me of a broken sword. She raised an eyebrow. Sharp as hell, Lightsong said, "but lacking a point.

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Plans are invitation to disappointment.

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