150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.

The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?

In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book.

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

"No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon? "What?" Oh, you'd like something simpler?

DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.

Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar.

I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?'If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?

The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.

Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life.

The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort.

...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but they were listening in gibberish.

Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?

You look as scary as a buttered muffin.

Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much--all of it wrong.

Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.

Do you know, sire, I think that if we live to tell our grandchildren about this war, they will accuse us of making it up.' -Marielle

As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.