100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay.

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You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.It's really funny.

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I'm convinced that responsibility is some kind of psychological disease.

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Why hasn't anyone killed him yet?Dumb luck, Wit said. In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.

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It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn't want to move around very much.

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You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way.- Breeze

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Elend: I kind of lost track of time…Breeze: For two hours?Elend: There were books involved.

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An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.

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Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They'll believe anything they see in print.

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Genius is of small use to a woman who does not know how to do her hair.

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She talks like you. It’s not every day you hear a four-year-old say Prince Charming is a douchebag who’s only holding Cinderella back. That’s my girl.

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I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and—if you’re not careful—those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it in a book.

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A few said they'd be horses. Most said they'd be some sort of cat. My friend said she'd like to come back as a porcupine. I don't like crowds, she said.

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Your job is to focus on my personal happiness, she said, & I've got big plans, so break time is over.

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I don't really like coffee, she said, but I don't really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either.

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If you're right & I'm not, I'm going to be hell to live with, she said. So, you better think about that next time you want to be right.

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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

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When humor goes, there goes civilization.

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Someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny.

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Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

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It's difficult to see the glass ceiling because it's made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it properly.

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The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

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Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.

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The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.

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Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

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A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

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Housework can kill you if done right.

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But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

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People talk too much. Humans aren't descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.

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Professors of literature collect books the way a ship collects barnacles, without seeming effort.

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You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful.

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It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal.

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Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

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Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me.

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I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

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Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.

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The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad, For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.

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Humor can get in under the door while seriousness is still fumbling at the handle.

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But there is in everything a reasonable division of labour. I have written the book, and nothing on earth would induce me to read it.

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