100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.

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"This is a good place," he said. "There's a lot of liquor," I agreed.

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Dreams like a podcast,Downloading truth in my ears.They tell me cool stuff."Apollo?" I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.He put his finger to his lips. "I'm incognito. Call me Fred." A god named Fred?

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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

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Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

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I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

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Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

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A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

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It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.

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What doesn't kill us makes us funnier.

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Love conquers all," Aphrodite promised. "Look at Helen and Paris. Did they let anything come between them?""Didn't they start the Trojan War and get thousands of people killed?""Pfft. That's not the point. Follow your heart.

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I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.

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Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

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Some people say, Never let them see you cry. I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

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You can't make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?

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If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing grapes.

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Do your thing and don't care if they like it.

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I hear your insults and plan to silence them with my victory.

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In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.

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The meeting was like a war council with donuts. Then again, back at Camp Half-Blood they used to have their most serious discussions around the Ping-Pong table in the rec room with crackers and Cheez Whiz, so Percy felt right at home.

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The only French word I know is oui, which means yes, and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-?u-?i and not w-?e-?e.

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Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.

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Colin decided then and there that the female mind was a strange and incomprehensible organ - one which no man should even attempt to understand. There wasn't a woman alive who could go from point A to B without stopping at C, D, X, and 12 along the way.

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I mean, really. Who sends their kid to boarding school? It's so Hogwarts. Only mine doesn't have cute boy wizards or magic candy or flying lessons.

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RésuméRazors pain you,Rivers are damp,Acids stain you,And drugs cause cramp.Guns aren't lawful,Nooses give,Gas smells awful.You might as well live.

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Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.

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And if you say that's because you lot barged into her home like a herd of mentally deficient sheep, I'm disowning all three of you.

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Join us next time for Days of the Undead when Rachel learns her long lost brother is really a crown prince from outer space.

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If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

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St. Clair clears his throat. 'My fiancée and I are headed out for a celebratory dessert. I'd ask you all to join us, but I don't want you there.

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BE QUIET!!...What do you want...? I was in the middle of saying something nice...

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I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up.

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But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

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Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.

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I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.

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It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up.

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French name, English accent, American school. Anna confused.

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Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

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She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

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