100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

Most of the upper management of I.S. were undead. I always thought it was because the job was easier if you didn't have a soul.

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To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems

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Puns are the highest form of literature.

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Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid.

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Wow. When he started looking back on the war with Kronos as the good old days--that was sad.

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People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them.

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The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

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Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

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She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.

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The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

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If I ever form a clan, we'll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem.

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What...what about when I'm married?We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.

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That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

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Percy was getting tired of water.If he said that aloud, he would probably get kicked out of Poseidon’s Junior Sea Scouts, but he didn’t care.

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I spilled more times than a glass of milk on a roller coaster.

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The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.

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We are like chameleons, we take our hue and the color of our moral character, from those who are around us.

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Gym should be illegal. It's humiliating.

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It's a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really.

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He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.

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Leo, Hazel gasped, I can’t—my arms—Hazel, he said. Do you trust me?No!Me neither, Leo admitted.

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Do you know, sire, I think that if we live to tell our grandchildren about this war, they will accuse us of making it up.' -Marielle

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If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

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There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

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Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

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Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.

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Fortunately, we did most of our athletic stuff inside, so we didn't have to jog through Tribeca looking like a bunch of boot-camp hippie children.

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I've said it before and I'll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.

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At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.

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If possible, try to avoid pushing each other over the edge, as that would cause me extra paperwork.

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I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

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Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.

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Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

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I like to have a martini,Two at the very most.After three I'm under the table,after four I'm under my host.

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When I grow up, I'd like to be dangerous.

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Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much--all of it wrong.

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Basically, everyone thinks--knows--how sweet I am.Emma, you threw my sister through hurricane-proof glass.

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Be you wise and never sad,You will get your lovely lad.Never serious be, nor true,And your wish will come to you--And if that makes you happy, kid,You'll be the first it ever did.

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I can't give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you'd set it on fire.

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Hazel! he yelled. That box! Open it!She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN. Open it! Leo yelled again.

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