100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

You look as scary as a buttered muffin.

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Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

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Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?

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To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

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I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.

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Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

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Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!

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There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

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My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.

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You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt

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Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

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I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty.

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Leo: I'm almost out of gas! Woah, that came out wrong. I meant the burning kind!

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When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone.

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People talk too much. Humans aren't descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.

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Fiction was invented the day Jonah arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale..

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The long run is a misleading guide to current affairs. In the long run we are all dead.

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Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.

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I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.

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I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.

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Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

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Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

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That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

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It's awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage?

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Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

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I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

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Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT

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My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

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You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!

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Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.

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There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.

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I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

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Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

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No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

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Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

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I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.

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I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

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I feel an almost overwhelming interest in the methods of daylight abduction employed by the modern youth.

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