150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Why isn’t the word phonetically spelled with an f?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.