100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to

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Down in the water, Octavian yelled, Get me out of here! I’ll kill you!Tempting, Percy called down.

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I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

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If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

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Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.

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Darwin says people like you need to die. (Carrow)

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Nozy Cat lifted one sleepy eyelid, and his marble blue eye glared at her for interrupting his sacred nap. He wore a yellow collar with little red stars printed on it. His second eyelid also opened, and he gave them his irritated blue-eyed glare.

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What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course

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Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

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...disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business....

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Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs.

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A crossbow? Pigeon asked.I left my battle-ax in my other jeans, the man said.

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I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

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You can run from the grave, but you can't hide.

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Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.

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Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people.

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Excruciating agony makes me cranky.

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When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

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Do you answer a question directly? Hard to say. Ah, there, I've done it again

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Please, Percy...change your clothes. You smell like you've been run over by an electric horse.

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People who entered the Courtyard without an invitation were just plain crazy! Wolves were big and scary and so fluffy, how could anyone resist hugging one just to feel all that fur?Ignore the fluffy, she muttered. Remember the part about big and scary.

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There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.

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A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.

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When jumping is the sole option, you jump, and try to make it work.

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If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.

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I felt this awful obligation to be charming or at least have something to say, and the pressure of having to be charming (or merely verbal) incapacitates me.

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TANDAAN: mahirap mafriendzone, pero madali lang gumanti!

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If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.

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Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don't come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they're having a piss.

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We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.

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Don't care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.Bones to Gregor

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I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.

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If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

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The story so far:In the beginning the Universe was created.This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

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Usually my form of turning someone down was shoving a stake through his heart while smirking, Gotcha!

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Oh, look at that, he's heard of me. My fame grows.

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I looked to the ceiling and told God, God, next time I want an adventure, strike me with lightning. You have my permission.

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They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!

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Cats don't need to be possessed; they're evil on their own.

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