150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

A cavalryman's horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.

Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.

You nicked-named my daughter after the Lock Ness Monster!

Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.

I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.

The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.

An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.

No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time.