100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

This paper, by its very length, defends itself from ever being read.

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People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN'T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.

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My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

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Why do people always expect authors to answer questions? I am an author because I want to ask questions. If I had answers, I'd be a politician.

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I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.

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Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.

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The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.

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How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.

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Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here.

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The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.

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A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

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Find something useful to do with your morning,' she thought to him as she neared her chambers. 'Do something heroic in front of an audience. Knock a child into a river while no one's looking and then rescue him.

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Felix believed that the answer to every problem involved penguins; but it wasn't fair to birds, and I was getting tired of teleporting them back home. Somewhere in Antarctica, a whole flock of Magellanic penguins were undergoing psychotherapy.

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We're actors — we're the opposite of people!

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Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

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Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?

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Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one's luck.

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No one believes you’re serious until bodies start to fall. -Vlad

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Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers.

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[My mom's] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it's her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that.

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Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles

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Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

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I really should come with a warning label.

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Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

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It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport.

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When I was little I bragged about my firefighting father: my father would go to heaven, because if he went to hell he would put out all the fires

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"Bravo," said Grimalkin, peering down from Cold Tom's chest. The Winter prince and Oberon's jester agreeing on something. The world must be ending.

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There will be no yelling at people who are bleeding themselves to unconsciousness.

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It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right.

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Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

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When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.

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The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.

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I'll not listen to reason... reason always means what someone else has got to say.

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First bubble baths. Now Disney parks. You're shattering every creep vampire myth I've ever heard.

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You're the queen, and it's the queen's house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he's highly unlikely ever to be queen.

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All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

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History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

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If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.

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Yes, we'll yell, 'Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese'.

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