100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

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An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

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I swear, my dear. Sometimes our conversations remind me of a broken sword. She raised an eyebrow. Sharp as hell, Lightsong said, "but lacking a point.

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Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

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When something needs to be said, you look for a man to say it. But when something needs actually to be done, you look for a woman.

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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

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You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.It's really funny.

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There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.

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I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'.

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Razo hopped back up and adopted a posture that said he was completely unruffled, never had been, and in fact was ready to do something manly like lift boulders or swallow live worms.

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Damien has died and gone straight to gay boy heaven,' Shaunee said...

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Hmm… Jason snapped his fingers. I can call a friend for a ride.Percy raised his eyebrows. Oh, yeah? Me too. Let's see whose friend gets here first.

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.

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Katsa and Po were trying to drown each other and, judging from their hoots of laughter, enjoying it immensely.

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Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.

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No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time.

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Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

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I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

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I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

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We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

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I'm convinced that responsibility is some kind of psychological disease.

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A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

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Kitten, this is my best mate, Charles, but you can call him Spade. Charles, this is Cat, the woman I’ve been telling you about. You can see for yourself that everything I’ve said is…an understatement.

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If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which means 'flunk'.

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Your as slow as a fat kid on crutches

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She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.

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I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.

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There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity.

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Why hasn't anyone killed him yet?Dumb luck, Wit said. In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.

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Professors of literature collect books the way a ship collects barnacles, without seeming effort.

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I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.

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I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even staked. None of those held a candle to the pain I felt at seeing his mouth on hers.

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We'd spent maybe ten minutes together, during which time I'd accidentally swung a sword at her, she'd saved my life, and I'd run away chased by a band of supernatural killing machines. You know, your typical chance meeting.

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Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

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I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

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"Poirot," I said. I have been thinking.An admirable exercise my friend. Continue it.

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Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

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It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn't want to move around very much.

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Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.

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