150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

He smiled in a way that made me want to kiss him right on the spot. Or the lips. Whichever was closer.

Razo hopped back up and adopted a posture that said he was completely unruffled, never had been, and in fact was ready to do something manly like lift boulders or swallow live worms.

Yes, we'll yell, 'Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese'.

I spilled more times than a glass of milk on a roller coaster.

If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing grapes.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Real life is sometimes boring, rarely conclusive and boy, does the dialogue need work.

I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.

I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.

No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth.

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.

No people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time.

Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don't get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.

I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.

Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.