150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you're fussing that he's tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.

When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' And sure enough, they get worse.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on TheeAnd I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.

To err is human, to purr is feline.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.

To say she was my girlfriend was absurd: no one the wrong side of thirty has a girlfriend… I suppose I ought to have realize it’s ominous that forty thousand years of human language had failed to produce a word for our relationship.

Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!

So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,Go throw your TV set away,And in its place you can installA lovely bookshelf on the wall.Then fill the shelves with lots of books.

Grown ups are complicated creatures, full of quirks and secrets.

I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.

I'd rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I’ve met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited toschool for Career Day.

Frank didn’t drop you on purpose, she said. He’s not like that. He’s just a little clumsy sometimes.Oops, Leo said, in his best Frank Zhang voice. Dropped Leo into a squad of enemy soldiers. Dang it!