100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

I'm sure I'll feel much more grateful when I find a guy who thinks complex wiring in a girl is a turn-on.

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An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.

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Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

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There's no trouble in this world so serious that it can't be cured with a hot bath, a glass of whiskey, and the Book of Common Prayer.

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Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

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No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

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Because teachers, no matter how kind, no matter how friendly, are sadistic and evil to the core.

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Slumber party with Dracula, all things considerd why not?

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Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.

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I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

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You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way.- Breeze

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There's no room for demons when you're self-possessed.

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There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

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The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.

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Mulling this over, Vlad wiped her lip gloss from his lips with the back of his hand.Vampires, after all, didn't sparkle.

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Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something

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Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don't get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.

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Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

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Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

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Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

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And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don't know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil.

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This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you.

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He smiled in a way that made me want to kiss him right on the spot. Or the lips. Whichever was closer.

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I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

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My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

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Elend: I kind of lost track of time…Breeze: For two hours?Elend: There were books involved.

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Down with tyranny!' Bramble cried. 'Aristocracy! Autocracy! Monocracy! Other ocracy things! You are outnumbered, sir! Surrender!

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See? I’d whispered to Bones, nudging him with a grin. He never argues with her. Isn’t that sweet?A snort preceded his response. Keep dreaming, pet.

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But we're going to smile and pretend we're fine with the dorky birthmas gifts because people do not get that they can't mush a birthday into christmas.

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I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

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He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.

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I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

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No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought?--Poirot

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I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I'll never be sane.

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It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the radish would never be chosen.

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If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.

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Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

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I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and—if you’re not careful—those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it in a book.

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Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.

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Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.

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