100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.No hope, no harm; just another false alarm

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If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.

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Leo had seen Tia Callida in action; she liked knives, snakes and putting babies in roaring fires. Yeah, definitely let's unleash her rage. Great idea.

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The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.

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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

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Rules and school are tools for fools! I don't give two mules for rules.

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"Tacos." Tacos? I echoed.This seemed to amuse him. "Tomatoes, lettuce, cheese." I know what a taco is!

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If you didn't grow up like I did then you don't know, and if you don't know it's probably better you don't judge.

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Rejection is one thing - but rejection from a fool is cruel.

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This is a mournful discovery.1)Those who agree with you are insane2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.

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I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

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To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

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Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.

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I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

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Your mum pounced on her and started sucking away. Would’ve been arousing if not for all the screaming.Ian, Bones drew out warningly.He grinned. You’re right. I was aroused anyway.

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Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

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I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.

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The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

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You don't happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow? I don't have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.

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Is it really you this time, Kells?Well, I’m no maggoty corpse, if that’s what you mean.He grinned. That’s a relief. No maggoty corpse would be that sarcastic.

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Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

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No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner,

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Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat it.

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I am human and I need to be loved,just like everybody else does.

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I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.

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That's it, cupcake. You're going down.

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I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

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I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

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He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.

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If anger were mileage, I'd be a very frequent flyer, right up there in First Class.

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It is proved by surveys that happiness does not come from love, wealth, or power but the pursuit of attainable goals.

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Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand. (Bones)

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You're a stalker with hooves. I am not! I followed her to the Big House and hid in a bush and watched the whole thing.

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I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler.

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A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and…actually, no it’s just those two things.

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The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir.

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A passport, as I'm sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly.

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I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

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I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now.

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