100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness.

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[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.

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There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

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Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)

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Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

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Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic.

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One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious.

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If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.

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You're not right in the head, and nor am I, and this is why....this is why I like you.

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I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

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The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.

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Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.

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I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.

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Frank didn’t drop you on purpose, she said. He’s not like that. He’s just a little clumsy sometimes.Oops, Leo said, in his best Frank Zhang voice. Dropped Leo into a squad of enemy soldiers. Dang it!

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I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

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All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

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I am Dead, but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it.

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As I am sure you know, when people say 'It's my pleasure,' they usually mean something along the lines of, 'There's nothing on Earth I would rather do less.' [...]

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I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.

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I still don't belong to anyone - I am mine.

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I’ve met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited toschool for Career Day.

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Don't bite off more than you can chew because nobody looks attractive spitting it back out.

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I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.

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Every one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.

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Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion.

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Pranks vs school= pranks win all day

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Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in Virginia? Must research further.)

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I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!

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Tarzan-like men are my weakness, apparently.

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To me you are a work of art, and I would give you my heart - that's if I had one.

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The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

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Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.

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Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.

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A cavalryman's horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this.

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What does ‘hmm’ have to do with anything? Could you ever use more than five words? All this grunting and minced words make you come across—primal.His smile tipped higher. Primal.You’re impossible.Me Jev, you Nora.

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Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

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I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?

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See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.

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It begins in the heart...and it hurts when it's true.It only hurts because it's true.

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A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle.

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