100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.

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If I ever meet myself,' said Zaphod, 'I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me.

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You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

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I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

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Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.

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If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?

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A few said they'd be horses. Most said they'd be some sort of cat. My friend said she'd like to come back as a porcupine. I don't like crowds, she said.

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I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

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I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.

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The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.

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I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

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I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.

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Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

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I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.

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Pietrisycamollaviadelrechiotemexity.

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She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

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When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

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There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

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A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine.

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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

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Your job is to focus on my personal happiness, she said, & I've got big plans, so break time is over.

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You don't need a search warrant to go through someone's trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up.

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Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.

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The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.

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Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

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Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

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You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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I don't really like coffee, she said, but I don't really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either.

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I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

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What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?

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Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

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When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

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She'd absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn't own and feel no remorse about it.

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I'm not stubborn. My way is just better.

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I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t remember what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.

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Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

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My capacity for happiness," he added, "you could fit into a matchbox without taking out the matches first

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Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

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