150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?

This is a mournful discovery.1)Those who agree with you are insane2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.

If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.

Cats don't need to be possessed; they're evil on their own.

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.

I felt this awful obligation to be charming or at least have something to say, and the pressure of having to be charming (or merely verbal) incapacitates me.

Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.

... for most practical purposes, Tarbean had two parts: Waterside and Hillside. Waterside is where people are poor. That makes them beggars, thieves and whores. Hillside is where people are rich. That makes them solicitors, politicians and courtesans.

Being a leader is making the people you love hate you a little more each day.

When I die of heart failure the next time you frighten me like that, you can put that on my gravestone—‘I didn’t mean to startle her.

Why is it that all cars are women?" he asked. "Because they're fussy and demanding," answered Zee. "Because if they were men, they'd sit around and complain instead of getting the job done," I told him.

Are you going to tell me what that was about? Adam asked as we went back upstairs.Sometime, I told him. When we're telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.

It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don't play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.

MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT.

Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.

Cheeses crusty, got all musty, got damp on the stone of a peach, I agreed. He looked blank, so I repeated it with proper emphasis. ChEEZ-zes crusty. Got Al -musty. Got DAMp on the StoneofapeaCH.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.

If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.