100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising.

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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

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Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?

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If you're right & I'm not, I'm going to be hell to live with, she said. So, you better think about that next time you want to be right.

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Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?", then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up."

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To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.

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I despise the rituals of fake friendship. I wish we could just claw each other's eyes out and call it a day; instead we put on huge radiant smiles and spout compliments until our teeth hurt from the saccharine sweetness of it all.

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Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.

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It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

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I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.

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Don't blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there's this new club called civilization and you guys should join.

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A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.

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I disapprove of matrimony as a matter of principle.... Why should any independent, intelligent female choose to subject herself to the whims and tyrannies of a husband? I assure you, I have yet to meet a man as sensible as myself! (Amelia Peabody)

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Finding a life partner is like choosing a bed. You need one as a friend either in times of health or sickness. Freshness or weariness. Happiness or sadness. And we can be certain that we've picked the right one without having to sleep with it first.

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If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.

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Why isn’t the word phonetically spelled with an f?

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The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but they were listening in gibberish.

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Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.

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I have dozens of loyal fans! Baker's dozens! …they come in thirteens.

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Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.

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He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.

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No people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time.

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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

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Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore.

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There are never enough 'I love you's.

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There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

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Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something.

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I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

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Familiarity breeds contempt and children.

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You know your Lamborghini is on fire, right?

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If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

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In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

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Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.

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TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.

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If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home.

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His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action.

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