150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t remember what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.

What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?

You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.

Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.

A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle.

Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.

I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.

In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness.

I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

But we're going to smile and pretend we're fine with the dorky birthmas gifts because people do not get that they can't mush a birthday into christmas.

Your as slow as a fat kid on crutches

Damien has died and gone straight to gay boy heaven,' Shaunee said...

When something needs to be said, you look for a man to say it. But when something needs actually to be done, you look for a woman.

They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.