100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

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However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.

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I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

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...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

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When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.

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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

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The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort.

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Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded

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Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

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And in what fairy tale would John ever be any sane person's idea of Prince Charming anyway? He was the opposite of charming. More like Prince Terrifying.

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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

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Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

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Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me.

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When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.

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We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!

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A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.

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I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

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You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn't a bad mood at all; it's just your sucky personality.

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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

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A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.

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Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

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Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

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The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

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I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

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What I'm expecting is for you to behave like the gentleman I always thought you were.

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Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

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I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

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I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

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Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.

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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

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I've always known I was gay, but it wasn't confirmed until I was in kindergarten.It was my teacher who said so. It was right there on my kindergarten report card: PAUL IS DEFINITELY GAY AND HAS VERY GOOD SENSE OF SELF.

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I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

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What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell.

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If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

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Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life.

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Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

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