Ambrose Bierce

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.