100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.

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Everything here is edible; even I'm edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.

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I'd rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.

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Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.

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I always listen to you. Except when I don't.

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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

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The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

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This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.

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One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

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Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.

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Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.

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I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.

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I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.

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The covers of this book are too far apart.

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We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.

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Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

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Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.

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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

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I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?'If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?

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Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

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From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!

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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

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I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

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Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar.

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I hate patience. Slows everything down.

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A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

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Grown ups are complicated creatures, full of quirks and secrets.

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DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.

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Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

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I'm very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences.

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What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

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I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

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Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

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I'm looking into my past lives. I'm convinced some of them still owe me money.

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I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

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So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,Go throw your TV set away,And in its place you can installA lovely bookshelf on the wall.Then fill the shelves with lots of books.

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