100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

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Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

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Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!

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Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.

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April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

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Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!

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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

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Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up? All the time.

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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

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Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today? Is that including, or not including you?

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I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.

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As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.

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Are you an idiot, or an idiot?' Gargarin hissed.'The first one. I really resent being called the second.

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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

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In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

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The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

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Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it.

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I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

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"No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon? "What?" Oh, you'd like something simpler?

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Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.

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Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

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You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you're some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it?

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I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English

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The baby batScreamed out in fright,'Turn on the dark,I'm afraid of the light.

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Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

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Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

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Your brain is doing some great work when it's laughing.

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Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.

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Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.

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If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.

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Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)

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I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

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When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

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To say she was my girlfriend was absurd: no one the wrong side of thirty has a girlfriend… I suppose I ought to have realize it’s ominous that forty thousand years of human language had failed to produce a word for our relationship.

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Call me sentimental, but there's no-one in the world that I'd like to see get dysentery more than you

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When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles......they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.

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If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.

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You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

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Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.

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Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them

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