100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desperate, you know.

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She blew out a breath between gritted teeth. Sometimes I really want to—a frustrated sound—bite you! He froze. I might let you. I won’t do it if you’d enjoy it.

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Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

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Who, last time I'd checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It's kind of sad.)

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I care. They bother me. And that's why I'm stupid. That makes me exponentially more stupid than stupid. I'm stupid to the power of stupid.

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The lack of money is the root of all evil.

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In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book.

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Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

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Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

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why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid.Why try to make me like you?Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle?Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?Why do you scream when I do what I did?Im a kid.

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The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?

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Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.

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By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

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How long have you been with Raphael?You ask a lot of questions for a dead woman.What can I say? I prefer to die well-informed.-Venom and Elena

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I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.

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Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.

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I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

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Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He's actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.-Jillian's mother

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Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

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When you say gorgeous, Jen started, are we talking Brad Pitt boyish good looks, or Johnny Depp make ya want to slap somebody? No, we’re talking Brad and Johnny need to bow down and recognize Jacque answered.

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My beard grows down to my toes,I never wears no clothes,I wraps my hairAround my bare,And down the road I goes.

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In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

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Look at me!Look at me!Look at me NOW!It is fun to have funBut you have to know how.

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"I can talk to fish!" Angel said happily, water dripping off her long, skinny body. "Ask one over for dinner," Fang said, joining us.

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You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

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A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

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I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.

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I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

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Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

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In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.

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At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.

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To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.

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In a totally sane society, madness is the only freedom.

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The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes.

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This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.

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Leaving us with Eric is like hiring a babysitter who spends his time sharpening knives.

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My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

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Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

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It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.

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Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.

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