Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.