100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.

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Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

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There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

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Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.

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Listen, street punk. You're a guy, and you're a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you're in a gang. But I've survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut you off at your knees without a blink. Do you understand?

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In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

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If I'm walking on thin ice, I might as well dance my way across.

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You can knock on a deaf man's door forever.

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Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

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Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

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I knew I could do it all this time, said Harry, Because I'd already done it... does that make sense?

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I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

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Cheeses crusty, got all musty, got damp on the stone of a peach, I agreed. He looked blank, so I repeated it with proper emphasis. ChEEZ-zes crusty. Got Al -musty. Got DAMp on the StoneofapeaCH.

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Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?

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Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

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I'm a girl of extremes. When I love something, I'm like a puppy dog (without all the licking). When I'm cranky, I'm a wasp (like a whole hive of 'em). And when I'm angry, I'm a Mother Bear with a predator after her cubs: Dangerous.

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The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.

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All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

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Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

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My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

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If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.

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His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,His hair is as dark as a blackboard.I wish he was mine, he's really divine,The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.

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Some kids get called 'bundles of joy' or 'slices of heaven' or 'dreams come true.' We got 'the fifty-fourth generation of DNA experiments.' Doesn't have the same warm and fuzzy feel. But maybe I'm oversensitive.

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Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

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I actually like how doctors talk. I like the sound of science. I like how words you don't understand explain things you can't understand.

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Be kind to dragons, for thou art crunchy when toasted and taste good with ketchup. (Sebastian)

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If God wanted a world filled with saints, He never would have created adolescence.

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Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.

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I never met a man that I didn't like.

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You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

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We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

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"An Unbreakable Vow?" said Ron, looking stunned. Nah, he can’t have.... Are you sure? "Yes I’m sure," said Harry. "Why, what does it mean?" Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow...I’d worked that much out for myself, funnily enough.

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Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.

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A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

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Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.

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Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

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Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

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Don't be stupid, it's a flying house!

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There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous andshallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what youknow ain't so'.

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I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it.

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