150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn't a bad mood at all; it's just your sucky personality.

And in what fairy tale would John ever be any sane person's idea of Prince Charming anyway? He was the opposite of charming. More like Prince Terrifying.

However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.

You know your Lamborghini is on fire, right?

Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising.

I'm not stubborn. My way is just better.

To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems

I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.

A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books.

I think you learn more if you're laughing at the same time.

Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.

So much good, so much evil. Just add water.

Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.

It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.