100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT.

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I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

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We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.

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Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.

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You, Ms. Lane, are a menace to others! A walking, talking catastrophe in pink!

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It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don't play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.

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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

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You'd be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies.

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I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.

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Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.

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Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

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If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

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I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick.

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Man, you weigh a freaking ton," he told me. "What've you been eating, rocks?" "Why, is your head missing some?" I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that's when I knew how upset he'd been

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When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

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Are you going to tell me what that was about? Adam asked as we went back upstairs.Sometime, I told him. When we're telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.

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Kat laughed. 'Who wants to live forever?'Kish put his hand up. 'For the record, I do.'Sin scowled at him. 'Then why do you irritate me so often?'Suicidal tendencies are inherent in my species?

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In the long second before everyone absorbs what just happened, I see the angel rolling his eyes heavenward, like a teenager in the presence of overwhelming lameness. Some people just have no sense of gratitude.

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What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head.

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Someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny.

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Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs.

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Brianna dropped the skateboard in front of Sam. Don’t worry: I won’t let you fall off.Yeah? Then why did you bring the helmet?Brianna tossed it to him. In case you fall off.

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Why is it that all cars are women?" he asked. "Because they're fussy and demanding," answered Zee. "Because if they were men, they'd sit around and complain instead of getting the job done," I told him.

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People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.

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Anya jumped in front of the man, acting as his shield. Now, Sabin. He didn’t mean any harm. He’s borderline stupid. You know that.

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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

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You mean other than the wings? I once ate nine snicker bars in a row without barfing. It was a record.

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Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

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I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man's body, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't quote me on that.-Bobby Tom

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Why should any guy want to be only friends with a girl? It’s like agreeing to be near a chocolate cake and never eat it. It’s like sitting in a racing car but not driving it.

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When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

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An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.

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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

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So why in the name of Merlin’s saggy left —Don’t talk to your mother like that.

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Meaning what? We're going to pretend nothing's going on? That's stupid. The only way to deal with any of this is to get it out in the open."Have you been watching Oprah again?

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A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there. And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up.

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When I die of heart failure the next time you frighten me like that, you can put that on my gravestone—‘I didn’t mean to startle her.

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The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it.

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How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?

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I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.

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