150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous andshallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what youknow ain't so'.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.