100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

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I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

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To err is human, to purr is feline.

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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke...

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I didn't know a van could go up on two wheels like that, for so long.

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The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.

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Dear Non-American Black, when you make the choice to come to America, you become black. Stop arguing. Stop saying I'm Jamaican or I'm Ghanaian. America doesn't care.

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Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

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Max, you're the last of the hybrids who still has...a soul.' ... 'She doesn't have soul,' Gazzy scoffed. 'Have you ever seen her dance?

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What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

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You couldn't be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!

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Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.

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When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

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I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

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Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)

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This book was written using 100% recycled words.

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Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.

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When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

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How did you become blind, uh, Jeff is it? Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.

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A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

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Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.

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Did I hurt your feelings again? Sorry. When this is all over I'll send some flowers to your inner child.

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Well you seemed too busy to call him a prat and I thought someone should.

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When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

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The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

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The shortest distance between two people is a smile.

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Well, spit on my empty grave--if it ain't the attack of the Disney princesses!

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Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

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When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?

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So that's little Scorpious. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank god you've inherited your mother's brains.

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When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.

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Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

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There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read—unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.

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When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

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Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies.

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If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

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To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.

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