150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

Familiarity breeds contempt and children.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

I'm sure I'll feel much more grateful when I find a guy who thinks complex wiring in a girl is a turn-on.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

What doesn't kill us makes us funnier.

When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called rent-a-spine

Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them.

George Bush isn't Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

I always listen to you. Except when I don't.

Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something.

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

Nozy Cat lifted one sleepy eyelid, and his marble blue eye glared at her for interrupting his sacred nap. He wore a yellow collar with little red stars printed on it. His second eyelid also opened, and he gave them his irritated blue-eyed glare.

He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.

I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married.