Groucho Marx

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.