100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

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He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower.

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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

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Before I speak, I have something important to say.

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I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

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Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'It was the perfect motto for Morganville.

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"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. Have you thought of going into teaching?

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Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

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Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!

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I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.

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Many people could say things in a cutting way, Nanny knew. But Granny Weatherwax could listen in a cutting way. She could make something sound stupid just by hearing it.

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Black holes are where God divided by zero.

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There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

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The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.

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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

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Don't talk to me.Why not? Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret...

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I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.

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Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

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Death should take me while I am in the mood.

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Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli

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I commend my soul to any god that can find it.

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Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots

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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

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Why are they all staring?" demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students."Don’t let it worry you," said Ron. "It’s me. I’m extremely famous.

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Being a leader is making the people you love hate you a little more each day.

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Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on TheeAnd I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.

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Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.

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I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

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Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

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In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

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Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

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When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.

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I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

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It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

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A novelist can’t be without a kimono and pen!(Shigure)

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Great, tell me when you've defeated Voldemort for me, will you?

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It's not like there's a law against flying.Yes there is. The law of gravity.

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HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death)

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Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.

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