100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

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We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass.

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Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.

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Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

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We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

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Percy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby's hats.

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Sure, she said, and hugged the laptop bag closer. What could go wrong?Michael’s eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror.Besides everything, I mean, she said.

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Yes! I'm me! I am careful and logical and I look up things I don't understand! When I hear people use the wrong words, I get edgy! I am good with cheese. I read books fast! I think! And I always have a piece of string! That's the kind of person I am!

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Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it....

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Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego.

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That's kind of a leap, but the Russian judge gave you a nine point five for style, so okay.

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I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking

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Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They'll believe anything they see in print.

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My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

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Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?

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Nobody's ever asked me to a party before, as a friend. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I do mine too?

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... for most practical purposes, Tarbean had two parts: Waterside and Hillside. Waterside is where people are poor. That makes them beggars, thieves and whores. Hillside is where people are rich. That makes them solicitors, politicians and courtesans.

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Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.

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Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.

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When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we're going to be having a shufti to see if it's solid, aren't we, we're not going to be asking, 'Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?

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Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.

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I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

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If she can't spell, why is she a librarian? Librarians should know how to spell.

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There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about.

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Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.

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I don't know why it should be, I am sure; but the sight of another man asleep in bed when I am up, maddens me.

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Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.

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Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?'Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?

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A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

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Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt.

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if something is there, you can only see it with your eyes open, but if it isn't there, you can see it just as well with your eyes closed. That's why imaginary things are often easier to see than real ones.

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My dad used to say that life's a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map.

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You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?

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Give the People what they want - and they'll get what they deserve.

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We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third.

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Maybe I should, I don't know leave? Because this is starting to sound like one of those reality shows I don't want to be in. Maybe you guys want to take turns in the confessional booth.

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No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth.

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Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read.

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Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

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For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything. - Hitchens 3:16

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