100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.

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Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my 'furry little problem' in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit.

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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

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Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.

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See, that’s the difference, Mauvin said. I suffer a loss and people console me. Royce suffers a loss and whole towns evacuate.

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I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

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Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

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Well sure, who doesn't need a boyfriend? but realistically, those exotic creatures are hard to come by. At least a quality one.

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Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.

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My own opinion is enough for me, and I claim the right to have it defended against any consensus, any majority, anywhere, any place, any time. And anyone who disagrees with this can pick a number, get in line, and kiss my ass.

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I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry.

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Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

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There are any number of magical creatures, mostly female, whose singing can bring about horror and death. Sirens, undines, banshees, Bananarama tribute bands...

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I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite.

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As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?

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Thus, though I dislike to differ with such a great man, Voltaire was simply ludicrous when he said that if god did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. The human invention of god is the problem to begin with.

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My Head of House said I lacked certain necessary qualities...like the ability to behave myself.

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I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.

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I’ve been thinking. A dangerous pursuit. Indeed.

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If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

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The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are...

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I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn’t tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)

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Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

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No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

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You haven't got a letter on yours, George observed. I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid-we know we're called Gred and Forge.

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Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women.

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You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

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Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!

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To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.

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But this room looked like it had been decorated by the unholy lovechild of Barbie and Strawberry Shortcake.

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Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.

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And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

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When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

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When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

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Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.

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What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?

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Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.

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It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.

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She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.

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