150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

"Bravo," said Grimalkin, peering down from Cold Tom's chest. The Winter prince and Oberon's jester agreeing on something. The world must be ending.

Oh, look at that, he's heard of me. My fame grows.

She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

And if you say that's because you lot barged into her home like a herd of mentally deficient sheep, I'm disowning all three of you.

Colin decided then and there that the female mind was a strange and incomprehensible organ - one which no man should even attempt to understand. There wasn't a woman alive who could go from point A to B without stopping at C, D, X, and 12 along the way.

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.

You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.

Two things that matter to me. Emotional resonance and rocket launchers.

As we all know, blinking lights means science.

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

If you're going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for God's sake.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.

Why are they going to disappear him?'I don't know.'It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar.

Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women.

I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Your brain is doing some great work when it's laughing.

Everything here is edible; even I'm edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.