100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

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Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.

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So much good, so much evil. Just add water.

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Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.

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Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

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Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--

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Relax, having kids is years away. But can you imagine? Your brains, my charm, our collective good looks... then add in the usual physical abilities dhampirs get. It's really not even fair to everyone else.

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It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.

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I love you above all things, even pie.

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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

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You just gotta tell her, man,’ I said. ‘You just gotta say, Angela, I really like you, but there’s something you need to know: when we go to my house and hook up, we’ll be watched by the twenty-four hundred eyes of twelve hundred black Santas.

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have i gone mad?im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are.

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The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.

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Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

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"I don't mean to be rude—" he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable."Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often," Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.

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Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

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I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

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I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one.

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I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!

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It is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?

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If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

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Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!

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The greater part of the world's troubles are due to questions of grammar.

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When someone tells you somebody’s been murdered, laughing is probably not the best response. You know, for future reference.But laughing is exactly what I did.

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Adrian was easily distractible by wacky topics and shiny objects.

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You nicked-named my daughter after the Lock Ness Monster!

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Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.

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You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.

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If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

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If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.

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It's lovely. If only you could frost someone to death.Don't be so superior. You can never tell what you will find in the arena. Say it's a gigantic cake-

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I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

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Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

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I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

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Never memorize something that you can look up.

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I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

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People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

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He was a writer and words were his weapons.

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Harry and Hermione are very platonic friends. But I won't answer for anyone else, nudge-nudge wink-wink!

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