Cool & famous Quotes by : George Carlin

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

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• Funny

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

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• Humor

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

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• Life

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

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• Humor

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

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• Humor

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

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• Humor

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

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• Humor

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

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• Humor

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

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• Humor

How is it possible to have a civil war?

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• Humor

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

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• Humor

It's never just a game when you're winning.

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• Humor

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

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• Humor

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

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• Humor

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

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• Humor

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

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• Truth

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

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• Humor

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

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• Humor

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

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• Inspirational

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

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• Humor

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

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• Humor

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

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• Humor

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

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• Humor

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

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• Life

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

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• Humor

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

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• Humor

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

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• Humor

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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• Books

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

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• Inspirational

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

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• Humor