George Carlin

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

Electricity is really just organized lightning

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.