150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.

I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.

The long run is a misleading guide to current affairs. In the long run we are all dead.

We are like chameleons, we take our hue and the color of our moral character, from those who are around us.

In this dirty minded world, you are either someone's wife or someone's whore. And if you're not either people think there is something wrong with you....but there is nothing wrong with me

In the world according to Garp, we are all terminal cases

You've got to get obsessed and stay obsessed.

But I was not in the band, because I suffer from the kind of tone deafness that is generally associated with actual deafness

Chuck Parson did not participate in organized sports, because to do so would distract from his larger goal of his life: to one day be convicted of murder

As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.

Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.

As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don't bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it's very powerful, and should be used sparingly.

Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.

You just gotta tell her, man,’ I said. ‘You just gotta say, Angela, I really like you, but there’s something you need to know: when we go to my house and hook up, we’ll be watched by the twenty-four hundred eyes of twelve hundred black Santas.

I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn’t tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)

Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.

The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.

I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.

If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.

I despise the rituals of fake friendship. I wish we could just claw each other's eyes out and call it a day; instead we put on huge radiant smiles and spout compliments until our teeth hurt from the saccharine sweetness of it all.

When I was little I bragged about my firefighting father: my father would go to heaven, because if he went to hell he would put out all the fires

Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.

Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts