100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.

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Look, if you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta.

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She talks like you. It’s not every day you hear a four-year-old say Prince Charming is a douchebag who’s only holding Cinderella back. That’s my girl.

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

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In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.

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Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.

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I quote others only in order the better to express myself.

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I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

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You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.

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No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.

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We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

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If I was made of cake I'd eat myself before somebody else could.

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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

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You can laugh! But people used to believe there were no such things as the Blibbering Humdinger or the Crumple-Horned Snorkack!

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Normal people can become very annoying if put in annoying situations.

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Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.

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I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.

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Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves.

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Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.

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A gun. I had been brought down by a gun. It was practically comical. Cheaters, I thought.

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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

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An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps

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People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.

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How is it possible to have a civil war?

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Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?

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It was impossible to get the Dimitri and Tasha thing out of my head, but at least packing and getting ready made sure I didn't devote 100 percent of my brain power to him. More like 95 percent.

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We’ll never survive! Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.

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Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing--turn your toes out when you walk---And remember who you are!

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The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I'm the person going in to be slaughtered, this is somewhat annoying.

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Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention.

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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

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Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.

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Walking around nude in front of humans was not a good way to keep a low profile with the community. It was an excellent way to make new friends, though.

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You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It's far more common than you might think. -Angela the Herbalist

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It's never just a game when you're winning.

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Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads.

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What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?

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I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

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I like girls who eat Carrots. ~ Louis Tomlinson

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Inconceivable! You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

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