100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

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In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

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I should never be left alone with my mind for too long.

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Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

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Buttercup's mother whirled on him. 'Did you forget to pay your taxes?' (This was after taxes. But everything is after taxes. Taxes were here even before stew.)

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Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant...The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.

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A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.

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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

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And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked.

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It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.

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The world isn't fair, Calvin. I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

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She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.

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We're being lead by an idiot with a crayon.

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Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

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"Ginny!" said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. Haven't I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain?

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Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.

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Piece of Heaven? No, that other place I'm going to go to for thinking what I'm thinking.

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I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

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I'm the terrorist, do what I say or I'll terrorize you.

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It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.

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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

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Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem—neat, plausible, and wrong.

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I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...Yes, they do that, said Dumbledore.

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Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.

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We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant

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No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.

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Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

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An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.

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Everyone is a little crazy. The only difference between us and them is that they hide it better.

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So many things to see, people to do.

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It was a lame excuse, and I knew that wasn't the reason he was canceling. If he wanted to avoid me, I would have preferred he made up something about how he and the other guardians had to up Moroi security or practice top-secret ninja moves.

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The love of books is among the choicest gifts of the gods.

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I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.

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We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

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Katniss: 'What about you? Ive seen you in the market. You can lift hundred pound bags of flour'. I snap at himTell him that. Thats not nothing.Peeta: Yes and Im sure the arena will be full of bags of flour for me to chuck at people.

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There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them.

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Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!

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There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)

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Plans are invitation to disappointment.

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If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

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