150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you're saying?

Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.

Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity.

You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me.

Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?

I don't know about your true form, but the weight of your ego sure is pushing the crust of the earth toward the breaking point.

Heroism doesn't pay very well. I try to be cold-blooded and money-oriented, but I keep screwing it up.

Normal people can become very annoying if put in annoying situations.

If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.

What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

I don't know why it should be, I am sure; but the sight of another man asleep in bed when I am up, maddens me.

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there. And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up.

His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action.

I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.

Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand. (Bones)

No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner,

Your mum pounced on her and started sucking away. Would’ve been arousing if not for all the screaming.Ian, Bones drew out warningly.He grinned. You’re right. I was aroused anyway.

See? I’d whispered to Bones, nudging him with a grin. He never argues with her. Isn’t that sweet?A snort preceded his response. Keep dreaming, pet.

Slumber party with Dracula, all things considerd why not?

I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even staked. None of those held a candle to the pain I felt at seeing his mouth on hers.