100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with my news...check if I'm happy...

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I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

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When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' And sure enough, they get worse.

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Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.

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Before I begin, may I ask how old you are? You may ask. How old are you? It's none of your business

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I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

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The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

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You have a very open relationship with your fans. Yes. We have an open relationship. Obviously they can see other authors if they want, and I can see other readers.

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You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.

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Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

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Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.

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Sydney spent a lot of time on my bed these days.Unfortunately, it wasn't with me.

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It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay.

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It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.Opal tapped this into her notepad.Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?

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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

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Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!

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Heroism doesn't pay very well. I try to be cold-blooded and money-oriented, but I keep screwing it up.

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As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don't bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it's very powerful, and should be used sparingly.

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Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.

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I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.

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Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder

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I don't know about your true form, but the weight of your ego sure is pushing the crust of the earth toward the breaking point.

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Why are they going to disappear him?'I don't know.'It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar.

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Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

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As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.

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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

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Riza: Without his Alchemy he's just...Jean: A little brat who swears a lotMaes: An arrogant pipsqueakRoy: Useless. Just uselessAlphonse: Sorry big brother, I don't know how to add to that...Ed *starts to cry*: YOU'RE ALL PICKING ON ME!!!

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Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?

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Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.

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She craved a tall glass of the fresh-squeezed lemonade from the pitcher she’d left chilling in the fridge. Two glasses served with a generous slice of pound cake with orange glaze icing sounded twice as nice.

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If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away.

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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

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You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me.

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Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? or, having it, is satisfied?

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The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse

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Foaly: Anyone see you come in here? Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB. Foaly: The EIB? Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.

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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

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I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

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They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

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