100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?

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Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again."So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...

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If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus.

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Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over

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Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity.

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You forget, darling.I am the local psychopath.

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Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.

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Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

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Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride - where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.

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Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.

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Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.

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Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and... reproduction.

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I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.

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The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

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So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you're saying?

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"You look too pretty to be useful." Truer words were never spoken.

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If you can't win by reason, go for volume.

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I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.

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I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.

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Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.

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I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?

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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

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I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry.

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You could start a fire with the heat between you two. You're mistaking bitter animosity for heartfelt affection.

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The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.

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We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.

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Electricity is really just organized lightning

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I’ve had a tense couple of days. And I’ve got to tell you, burning someone’s face off sounds like a great way to relax.

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There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva

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Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.

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If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'Clawing at the roof of her coffin.

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I can't abide people who go soft over animals and then cheat every human they come across!

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I'm so pretty, it's hard for me to think of myself as intelligent.

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As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.

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We scarified a mosquito. I bet that's what did it. It was probably a virgin too.

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Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

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He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.

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Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs!

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Mysteries force a man to think, and so injure his health.

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I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts.

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