100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

You're a monster.Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?No, just a medal. The budget isn't inexhaustable.

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A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

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I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.

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I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. --Stephanie Plum

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A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.

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I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

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I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.

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Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.

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If you say ‘we’re in this together,’ I’m going to hurl.

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The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.

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He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times.

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There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.

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May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!

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The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

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Invisible things are the only realities.

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The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.

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I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

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What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?

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Don't mess with a wizard when he's wizarding!

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Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind.

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My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.

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I have a terrible memory; I never forget a thing.

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I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.

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Caring about someone isn't complicated. It isn't easy. But it isn't complicated, either. Kinda like lifting the engine block out of a car.

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If you're going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for God's sake.

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It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.

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You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I'll buy you a pony.

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Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

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Please welcome Professor Varen Nethers, famous depressed dead poets historian and author of the bestselling books Unlocking your Poe-tential: A Writer's Guide, and Mo Poe Fo Yo: When You Just Can't Get Enough.

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Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good?

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It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married.

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I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

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You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.

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Chuck Parson did not participate in organized sports, because to do so would distract from his larger goal of his life: to one day be convicted of murder

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As we all know, blinking lights means science.

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I'd never met coffee that wasn't wonderful. It was just a matter of how wonderful it was.

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There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of un-hatched chicks.

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Well, she said. I’m frustrated.Don’t make me angry-kiss you.Give me the laundry.Tempers rising, faces flushed … This is how it happens.

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My name is Percy Jackson. I'm twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York.Am I a troubled kid?Yeah. You could say that.

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I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn’t exist anymore.

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