100+ Humor & Funny Quotes

I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.

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The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

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Yeah, the whole family knows. It's no big deal. One night at dinner I said, 'Mom, you know the forbidden love that Spock has for Kirk? Well, me too.' It was easier for her to understand that way.

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Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or –""Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet.""Great idea though, thanks, Mum.

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In the action business, when you don't want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it 'taking cover.' It's more heroic.

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Peter, you're twelve years old. I'm ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice.

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I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so.

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Two things that matter to me. Emotional resonance and rocket launchers.

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I past another telkhine, who was so startled he dropped his Lil' Demons lunch box. I left him alive - partly because he had a cool lunch box...

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Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.

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Genius is of small use to a woman who does not know how to do her hair.

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We did it, we bashed them wee Potter's the one, and Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!

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See? This is why I'm not religious. I couldn't possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else.

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But I was not in the band, because I suffer from the kind of tone deafness that is generally associated with actual deafness

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It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.

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Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.

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The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

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Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.

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There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.

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You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

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The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress.

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How in the name of Merlin's pants have you managed to get your hands on those Horcrux books?

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I have nightmares about hell, where all I do is add up numbers and try to have conversations with people like you.

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His eyes widened just a bit, his lips flexed. I realized he was trying not to laugh. I hate it when people find my threats amusing.

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Rachel: You're a half-blood, too?Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about?Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god!...They don't seem to care.

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• Humor