Ellen DeGeneres

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are.

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.

Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.

It's failure that gives you the proper perspective on success.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself.

When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.