Steven Wright Cool & famous Quotes by

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

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• Humor

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

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• Funny

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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• Humor

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

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• Humor

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

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• Humor

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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• Humor

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

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• Humor

Why isn’t the word phonetically spelled with an f?

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• Humor

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

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• Humor

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

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• Humor

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

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• Humor

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

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• Humor

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

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• Humor

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

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• Humor

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

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• Humor

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

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• Humor

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

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• Humor

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

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• Humor

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

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• Humor

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

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• Humor

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

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• Humor

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

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• Humor

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

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• Humor

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

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• Humor

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

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• Success

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

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• Humor

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

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• Humor

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

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• Humor

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

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• Humor

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

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• Love