Steven Wright

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.