Steven Wright Welcome to our collection of popular quotes by

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

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If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

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Why isn’t the word phonetically spelled with an f?

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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

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There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

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I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

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If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

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I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

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