Steven Wright

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Why isn’t the word phonetically spelled with an f?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.