100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings

That’s us, he said. Those five nuts right there.Which one is me? I asked.The little deformed one, Zoe suggested.Oh, shut up.

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

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"Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies."

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Mussolini? Leo frowned. Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?

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The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.

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She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..

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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

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Being dead wasn't supposed to hurt. Where was the fairness in that? If I was dead, the least the universe could do was make it painless

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What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?

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I guess I can't blame him for feeling bitter. Going from being the terror of Bulgarian nights to a janitor would kinda suck

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We’ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I’m tragically funny and good-looking.

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I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner.

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Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.

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Kate's Speciality: Killing things, with much bloodshed. Talking trash, infuriating authority. Driving Beast Lord crazy.

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For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.

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If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

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On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.

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If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

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You will not pass! Roman thundered.Great. Now he had decided he was Gandalf.

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My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.

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Gods, I love it when you talk mathy to me.

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Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.

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I have no doubt that you are more than capable of bringing the Monsean queen and my son and the rest of my sons and a hundred Nanderan kittens through an onslaught of howling raiders if you chose to.

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Whatever would give you the idea that I'm her damn brother?

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Why did you tell her I'm your boyfriend? Why doesn't she know about your real one? - TimmyHe's English! And Mom...Mom hates foreigners! - Cat

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Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?In this case, it’s a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up.

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It's not called being gay, it's called being fabulous!

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...you don't care because you're all that and I'm just an artery in a dress.

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Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.

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Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple. Ah, well, I'm not sure I believe that.

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Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

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I passed out from stress? That’s it?I believe the princess term is fainted, said Thorne.

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The Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is...42!

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The clock struck eleven and cat the vampire huntress was on the loose, except my battle armor was a push-up bra, curled hair, and a short dress. Yeah, it was a dirty job, but I was going to do it. Come one, come all, bloodsuckers! Bar’s open!

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Yeah, well. I don’t try to be awesome. It just comes natural.

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If we're mad, we're mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.

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Juan gave Bones the most admiring look he’d bestowed on him yet. You talked her into going without panties all these years? Madre de Dios, now that’s impressive. I could learn a great deal from you, amigo.

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Now listen, we need to be quiet as mice. No, quieter than that. As quiet as . . . as . . . Dead mice? Reynie suggested. Perfect, said Kate with an approving nod. As quiet as dead mice.

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Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

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I know I'm delicious. Nummy.....nummy.-Vlad

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