100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings

100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings


Looking for a Funny Quote? Discover the most Funniest Quotes & Sayings from famous writers, humorists, entrepreneurs, publishers that will make you laugh

I love to laugh, and I try to laugh every day. When you laugh, your brain cells make more neurotransmitters, which are responsible for helping you feel good. I especially like funny quotes. Here are some of my favorites!

"Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies."

Claudia Gray

For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.

Darynda Jones

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

Darynda Jones

The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.

Flannery O'Connor

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

Gena Showalter

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Golda Meir

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.

Darynda Jones

I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.

David Sedaris

Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple. Ah, well, I'm not sure I believe that.

Douglas Adams

The Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is...42!

Douglas Adams

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

E.A. Bucchianeri

His eyebrows pulled in. You won’t leave me, right? Even when I’m a pain in the ass?I vowed in front of God – and Elvis – that I wouldn’t, didn’t I?

Jamie McGuire

I know I'm delicious. Nummy.....nummy.-Vlad

Jeaniene Frost

Of course you know, this means war.

Joe Adamson

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.

E.A. Bucchianeri

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Ellen DeGeneres

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

Ellen DeGeneres

Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.

Eoin Colfer

I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?

Eoin Colfer

Maxon: To be clear, no one agrees with you.America: To be clear, I don’t care.

Kiera Cass

Being dead wasn't supposed to hurt. Where was the fairness in that? If I was dead, the least the universe could do was make it painless

Kiersten White

Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.

Eoin Colfer

It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it.

Francine Pascal

The shortest horror story:The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

Frederic Brown

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one is for you.

Gena Showalter

What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?

Kiersten White

I guess I can't blame him for feeling bitter. Going from being the terror of Bulgarian nights to a janitor would kinda suck

Kiersten White

The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.

Maria V. Snyder

Don't gobblefunk around with words.

Roald Dahl

And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.

George Eliot

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Groucho Marx

A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.

Harry Styles

Hey, Mr. Nakata. Gramps. Fire! Flood! Earthquake! Revolution! Godzilla's on the loose! Get up!

Haruki Murakami

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Hedy Lamarr

Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed!


Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.

Holly Black

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.

Honoré de Balzac

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