100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings

"Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies."

• 1 Like
• Funny

For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.

• 1 Like
• Funny

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

• 1 Like
• Funny

The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.

• 1 Like
• Funny

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

• 1 Like
• Funny

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

• 1 Like
• Funny

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.

• 1 Like
• Funny

I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple. Ah, well, I'm not sure I believe that.

• 1 Like
• Funny

The Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is...42!

• 1 Like
• Funny

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

• 1 Like
• Funny

His eyebrows pulled in. You won’t leave me, right? Even when I’m a pain in the ass?I vowed in front of God – and Elvis – that I wouldn’t, didn’t I?

• 1 Like
• Funny

I know I'm delicious. Nummy.....nummy.-Vlad

• 1 Like
• Funny

Of course you know, this means war.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

• 1 Like
• Funny

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

• 1 Like
• Funny

Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.

• 1 Like
• Funny

I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?

• 1 Like
• Funny

Maxon: To be clear, no one agrees with you.America: To be clear, I don’t care.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Being dead wasn't supposed to hurt. Where was the fairness in that? If I was dead, the least the universe could do was make it painless

• 1 Like
• Funny

Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.

• 1 Like
• Funny

It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it.

• 1 Like
• Funny

The shortest horror story:The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one is for you.

• 1 Like
• Funny

What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?

• 1 Like
• Funny

I guess I can't blame him for feeling bitter. Going from being the terror of Bulgarian nights to a janitor would kinda suck

• 1 Like
• Funny

The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Don't gobblefunk around with words.

• 1 Like
• Funny

And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.

• 1 Like
• Funny

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

• 1 Like
• Funny

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

• 1 Like
• Funny

A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Hey, Mr. Nakata. Gramps. Fire! Flood! Earthquake! Revolution! Godzilla's on the loose! Get up!

• 1 Like
• Funny

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed!

• 1 Like
• Funny

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.

• 1 Like
• Funny