200+ Funny Quotes Guaranteed to Make Your Day Better

[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.

How art thou out of breath when thou hast breathTo say to me that thou art out of breath?

[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Now listen, we need to be quiet as mice. No, quieter than that. As quiet as . . . as . . . Dead mice? Reynie suggested. Perfect, said Kate with an approving nod. As quiet as dead mice.

He stared at her neck. Realization pulsed. He was looking at the bite he had given her. A hard length was growing against her hip. So, is that your long, scaly, reptilian tail, or are you just happy to see me? No, she did not just say that. Did she?

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

This is America. We’re entitled to our opinions.Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts.

I guess we're oil and water. (Phoebe)I'd say we're more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.The Doctor: Believe me... It was an accident.

Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.

On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.

La cucaracha, La cucaracha, Ya no puede caminar, porque no tiene, porque le falta, I don't know the rest, la la la la!

If we're mad, we're mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.

Don't gobblefunk around with words.

When I was alive, I mean the first time, Mussolini was in charge. We were at war.Mussolini? Leo frowned. Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?

Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!

The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.