100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings

100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings

167 Quotes

Looking for a Funny Quote? Discover the most Funniest Quotes & Sayings from famous writers, humorists, entrepreneurs, publishers that will make you laugh

I love to laugh, and I try to laugh every day. When you laugh, your brain cells make more neurotransmitters, which are responsible for helping you feel good. I especially like funny quotes. Here are some of my favorites!

The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.

Rick Riordan

Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!

Rick Riordan

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Mae West

the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.

Lemony Snicket

Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.The Doctor: Believe me... It was an accident.

Steven Moffat

When I was alive, I mean the first time, Mussolini was in charge. We were at war.Mussolini? Leo frowned. Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?

Rick Riordan

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Golda Meir

I tell you, I'm half tempted to break into CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon out of CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon.

Ally Carter

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Steven Wright

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Yogi Berra

Of course you know, this means war.

Joe Adamson

The funniest people are the saddest ones

Confucius

You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.

Johnny Depp

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Anonymous

The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.

Flannery O'Connor

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Ellen DeGeneres

Don't gobblefunk around with words.

Roald Dahl

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

Ellen DeGeneres

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Wendell Johnson

To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans

Zoë Marriott

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

Samuel Johnson

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Jon Stewart

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Jon Stewart

It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it.

Francine Pascal

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

Jon Stewart

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

Gena Showalter

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one is for you.

Gena Showalter

I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.

David Sedaris

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Groucho Marx

Can I come in?No! I'm in a towel!I'm blind!

James Patterson

I guess we're oil and water. (Phoebe)I'd say we're more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

This is America. We’re entitled to our opinions.Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts.

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.

Bertrand Russell

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.

Robert Conquest

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx

I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.

Karl Lagerfeld

Me neither, Shane put in. Homie don’t play that.I wonder, sometimes, if your generation speaks English at all, Amelie said.

Rachel Caine

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

E.A. Bucchianeri

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