100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings

My friend "M" says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can't smile, because your lips have rotted off.

• 1 Like
• Funny

The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!

• 1 Like
• Funny

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

• 1 Like
• Funny

the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.The Doctor: Believe me... It was an accident.

• 1 Like
• Funny

When I was alive, I mean the first time, Mussolini was in charge. We were at war.Mussolini? Leo frowned. Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?

• 1 Like
• Funny

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

• 1 Like
• Funny

I tell you, I'm half tempted to break into CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon out of CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon.

• 1 Like
• Funny

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Of course you know, this means war.

• 1 Like
• Funny

The funniest people are the saddest ones

• 1 Like
• Funny

You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.

• 1 Like
• Funny

The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Don't gobblefunk around with words.

• 1 Like
• Funny

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

• 1 Like
• Funny

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

• 1 Like
• Funny

To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans

• 1 Like
• Funny

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

• 1 Like
• Funny

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

• 1 Like
• Funny

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

• 1 Like
• Funny

It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it.

• 1 Like
• Funny

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

• 1 Like
• Funny

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

• 1 Like
• Funny

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one is for you.

• 1 Like
• Funny

I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.

• 1 Like
• Funny

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Can I come in?No! I'm in a towel!I'm blind!

• 1 Like
• Funny

I guess we're oil and water. (Phoebe)I'd say we're more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)

• 1 Like
• Funny

This is America. We’re entitled to our opinions.Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

• 1 Like
• Funny

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.

• 1 Like
• Funny

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

• 1 Like
• Funny

I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.

• 1 Like
• Funny

Me neither, Shane put in. Homie don’t play that.I wonder, sometimes, if your generation speaks English at all, Amelie said.

• 1 Like
• Funny

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

• 1 Like
• Funny