Quotes and sayings about tag  funny

I sometimes give myself excellent advice. Occasionally, I even listen to it.

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Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

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You know how teachers tell you the magic word is 'please'? That's not true. The magic word is 'puke'. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.

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A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

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Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

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Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

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Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

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I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

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The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.

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Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

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• Life

A pause followed my greeting. Then We’re watching you whispered the voice on the other end.Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? Silence. Then dial tone.These younger demons. So easily discouraged.

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Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!

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She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.

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Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.

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