If you can't do anything about it, laugh like hell.
David Cook
I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.
Derek Landy
To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.?
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
Ellen DeGeneres
For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.
Darynda Jones
I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?
Eoin Colfer
You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt
Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
Erma Bombeck
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.
Flannery O'Connor
To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.
Gena Showalter
I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.
David Sedaris
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.
Demetri Martin
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