Quotes and sayings about tag  funny

I sometimes give myself excellent advice. Occasionally, I even listen to it.

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• Funny

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

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• Funny

You know how teachers tell you the magic word is 'please'? That's not true. The magic word is 'puke'. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.

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A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

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Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

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Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

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I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

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Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

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Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

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The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.

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I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

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• Life

Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!

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A pause followed my greeting. Then We’re watching you whispered the voice on the other end.Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? Silence. Then dial tone.These younger demons. So easily discouraged.

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It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen.

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She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.

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Too bad. Family members hit you by accident. Psychopathic whores tend to come back for more.

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And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face!

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

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Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.

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If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

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Never miss a good chance to shut up.

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Puns are the highest form of literature.

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• Humor

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.

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She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her, just to see her stumble.

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How dare you open a spaceman's helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets!

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Dude. Hot Bozo. Best nickname ever.

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Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

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• Humor

There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about.

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• Humor

You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.

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• Humor