Woody Allen Welcome to our collection of popular quotes by

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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• Life

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

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• Humor

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

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• Life

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

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• Humor

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

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• Humor

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

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• Hope

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

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• Humor

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

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• Life

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

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• Life

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

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• Life

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

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• Success

To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

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• Humor

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

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• Humor

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

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• Humor

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

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• Humor