Quotes on “humor”

If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing grapes.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

Real life is sometimes boring, rarely conclusive and boy, does the dialogue need work.

I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.

I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.

No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth.

To love is easy, to be in a relationship is extremely difficult.

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.

Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy —the joy of being Salvador Dalí— and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dalí going to accomplish today?