Quotes on “humor”

No people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time.

Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don't get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.

I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.

Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you're fussing that he's tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.

When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' And sure enough, they get worse.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on TheeAnd I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.

Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.